just chilling

well this weekend i decided to come to san antonio instead of going to my nephews bday party. right now i am still in my pjs and louis' sister is here with her two brats and husband. i swear i sometimes think that some ppl shouldnt be blessed with children. knock on wood. i have this huge pimple on my nose and i look like rudolph. this thing has a mind of its own. for some reason i feel bad bc i havent written in here for a long time. im gonna take a shower in alittle bit bc i'm going back to alice. i dont want to go home. i hate being there. sometimes i feel like the way i'm happy is when louis is around. even though me and louis dont always have the best relationship from time to time, i still feel the happiest with him. i havent talked to nathan all weekend. i think it was a bad idea to talk to him again. i should have never went to his house. i feel like hes testing me to see if i'm going to cheat on louis with him or something. i think its funny that hes trying to do that but at the same time i feel bad for louis bc i cant tell this kind of shit. well i could but i know that he really wouldnt care about it. sometimes i feel like i'm the only one keeping this going. i need him to show me that he cares the way he did when we first got back together. i know that he was a bit psycho but i loved it bc i knew that he cared and wanted me all for himself. i know that he still feels like that but i think that the feeling isnt as strong as it used to be. i feel like no one even cares about me, including my family. going through the motions is the feeling i get. emptiness that cant be avoided.